So a lot has happened in my life, my partner of almost 8 years left me out of the blue suddenly, no previous fights, no previous arguments, I believe she has her reasons, I am not perfect, but I always tried to get improve, I wish I knew what I was lacking on, I wish that she would tell me where I wen’t wrong, or what happened at all, but yeah, she left me with just a note, a text, we didn’t see each other in person anymore, she refused to come see me and talk face to face, she said that it might make her change her decision, it all seems very abrupt, very rushed, my life changed in an instant, she said that she was depressed, which I knew she suffered with depression since she was young, but we were very close, and she was always happy when we were together, she would get sad about things like a normal person, last couple times I saw her sad, were because of things regarding her family, mom and dad, we were both doing really good, she had just gotten a new position and I had just gotten my first web developer job, a little gig, but it was something, we were no longer in debt, and we were starting to thrive, our VISA interview was also comming up our lawyers said, and she was still excited about everything up till the last day we saw each other, everything was fine, which was the 22nd of November, that day we went on a nice date to a restaurant we had been meaning to try, a nice brasilian steak buffet, we really enjoyed it, we talked we loved the tripe they served, we asked for seconds!, had a drink, went back home and she initiated intercourse, so she wasn’t even pushing me away, then we went ahead and showered together, the next day was thanks giving, which she was going to spend with her family in the US, since we both live in MX, I can’t cross yet, we we’re working on that.

23rd of November, she goes to work early on thanks giving cuz she said she wanted to have more money for when we move to the US, we text through the day, and she goes to her moms house after to enjoy thanks giving, I know her mom has never liked me or approved our relationship, she has openly talked about that to my family, so I can only imagine what she tells her own family on her own house, my ex gf started drinking that night apparently something she doesn’t really do, she had said to me she was never gonna get drunk again, but then wen’t ahead and did that during thanks giving at her family for whatever reason, something must have happened that inclined her to… she didn’t tell me this, well she said she had a few shots of tequila, and that she felt a little bad, she also mentioned that she prefered the dinner we had the day before, so yeah… I have no idea, I told her to take a rest, shower and try to sleep, she still sent me pictures that day at night, since she had to stay at her parents lately due to her new position at work, she was only comming on her days off… big mistake, maybe she learned how to be without me… but yeah 24th comes around, Friday, she goes to work we talk through the day, and more of the same, after work she goes to the gym, but then says that it was too full due to black friday, then just goes back to her mom’s, she gets there we keep texting, she sends pics and all that before she showers, all seems right, then 25th Saturday comes around, and I wake up to a text that says “Sorry…” and 3 images attached of an iOS note, the note just detailed that she had been feeling depressed and that she feels that Im depressed aswell, and that the relationship isnt doing anything for either of us, more stuff like that, that she wants to feel independant again, and that she feels that the effort she puts towards the relationship or her family, isn’t reciprocated, I have no idea where it all came from, since I had been putting my best effort to better myself the entire year, obviously I am or neither she is perfect, no one is, but I was trying, I had spent the whole year and a few months studying 12 hours a day, going to bed studying, and had recently picked up the gym again, before her new position, I was making sure to cook for her at home, while she showered, I was trying to take care of the house, the cats and everything, all while bettering myself so that I could give her the life I wanted to give her. I was there for her whenever she needed me, I always supported her, and always loved her, everyday I sweet talked her, I complimented her, I told her I loved her daily, whenever she needed advice, help, or to figure out anything, I would be there to figure it out for her, to help her, to solve her problems, and it was crazy for me to read in the note: “I feel like I went through all the struggles alone”, when I was always there for everything, I always found quick and good solutions for every problem we had, when she crashed her car, and thankfully she was fine, I instantly phoned a friend to buy a car from him, one we could actually afford, unlike the one before her mom encouraged her to buy and get in debt, she loved the new car, we were out of debt too, I helped her learn to drive, I helped her fix the car, I helped her with everything she asked and wanted.

Anyways she left with that note, and I messed up by spamming her with emotional messages getting me blocked, she blocked me everywhere and cut contact with me, I just wanted to talk, to fix things up, cause this is important to me, I love her, and I feel like she’s my person, I still do, time went by, and I had her anniversary gift a week before this, our anniversary was the 26th of December, I had made a collage with pictures of us, and put it in a big frame, It’s still at home right now, I’ve been thinking of sending it to her moms place, uhmm yeah she left all her stuff at our place, and just left and stayed at her moms, I tried to get information from her mom, and her friend, but no one told me anything really, I was worried about her cause she mentioned suicide and self harm, she said that she felt that way during thanks giving dinner, so yeah, I went through christmas alone, our anniversary alone, new years alone, I made her my world, I forgot to say that I moved to a different state, hours away on plane from my original state, and I lived and made her my entire world, I have zero friends IRL, zero contacts, so I am extremely alone, no support group to deal with my new depression, only online friends, which I am so thankful for, and I love em dearly, also some family members have been supporting me well emotionally, but yeah, nothing is really working or making me feel better, here are the things that I am trying:

  • Working
  • Therapy
  • Gym
  • Socializing
  • Studying
  • Applying to new jobs
  • Running
  • Church & praying
  • Journaling
  • Video Journaling
  • Online support groups

These are all positive things, I’m keeping my place tidy too, cleaning, taking care of myself, skin care, but yeah nothing is really working, I truly feel like my life is over, and I truly don’t find any joy on anything, I have no desire on living anymore, I really really love this woman and the thought of having to live in a reality that we are not together, is too much to bear for me, I am a weak broken man now, never thought I would feel like this, never thought I would ever have suicidal thoughts, now it’s a constant thing, I have come up with different ideas on how to take my life too, helium gas, drinking and falling off a building, getting ran over, hanging myself, buying a gun, overdose, buying a car and crashing it into a pole, I ultimately don’t know what the best option is, I’m thinking the gun might be, and today I begin my search on how to get one, I love all my friends and family, and everyone that has tried to help me, love everyone dearly, even some 4chan anon that sent me a book, I just will have to ask for everyone forgiveness, I couldn’t handle it, I took the easy way out, I am a coward, I am sorry, I miss her and our cats, our life, our little house, doing things every week, cooking together, watching shows, watching movies, talking to her, listening to her, I miss her laugh, her voice, her face, her cheeks, her eyes, her little nose, I miss everything about her, I miss how she looks when she sleeps, I miss her opinions, I miss her lips, her kisses, her hugs and cuddles, I miss her entirely, I miss her texts, her pictures, hearing about her day, I miss the future we had crafted, I miss jamming in the car and singing together, I miss looking forward to her, ultimately I miss everything, the bad the good, and I know she’s done with me, she hasn’t tried to talk to me, she hasn’t even tried to ask how I’m doing, shes not worried about my mental state, my well being, she just disconnected and went cold on me, it hurts, it hurts so much, I am broken, I have not felt any joy, I have nothing to look forward to, I am done, I am finished, and to be honest, I feel okay with that, I feel fine with my life finishing here, I have zero complains about her too, she was an awesome partner, she was a way better partner than I was, up until she abandoned the relationship instead of communicating and trying to fix things, other than that, she was the perfect woman, and I would have given anything to keep trying, I would have given anything to live the rest of my life living one day with her on loop, even if it’s the same day over and over, and if God decides to give me another chance at life, I know that I will try to look for her again, and try harder and harder, I still believe that she was my person, I am fine with this, I have heard it all, I know what everyone will think, “she’s not the one”, “you shouldn’t live for another person”, “you’ll feel better with time”, etc etc. It’s okay, I understand, I am just willing to call it here, and once again I apologize to everyone, forgot to say we were each others First love, and first everything, I have no desire to fall in love again or try love again, before her I didn’t believe in love and was a deeply scarred boy from my childhood, so I was just doing escapism in my computer, and meeting her changed my entire life, I am still thankful to her, for giving my life a purpose and direction, even if it was for a short while, I wish her and everyone else the best, I have even prayed for her family, even her mom, and obviously I’m extra thankful to her grandma, she was awesome and very supportive of us two, thank you Pachis like she calls you.